30 June 2017

This date feels so monumentally significant to me today, and yet, as always, somehow mundane. In a total chaotic flurry that happened in the blink of an eye but was filled with more weight and people than I could have imagined, the first half of 2017 is behind us. In it is the full spectrum of wins, whims and woes that make up a life. Early alarms, overflowing baskets of washing. Rent inspections. Long, rambling complaints about work. Sunshine and plants. Beautiful friends. Performance reviews. Boozey lunches. Boxing, exercise and more and more and MORE exercise. Meal prepping and Instagram and self doubt. So much self doubt! And somehow, healthy doses of self love. All seasons of all shows on Netflix. Tearful airport goodbyes and long and frustrating calls on every medium offered by a smartphone. Yarn everywhere I look, sometimes turning into something beautiful, and sometimes entangling itself into webs of anxiety. Work idols. Wedding expos. Charity balls and Friday night drinks in windowless rooms, laughing and complaining and sharing and eye rolling. Friday nights on the couch. Learning to paint. Hours on eBay and hundreds of packages. 

In six months, we have a wedding. In many ways I can’t comprehend that reality; and importantly, it is one very large but only one aspect of who I am and what this year is about. 

The goal for the next six months is to continue to build into the kind of person I always wanted to be.  Inner confidence reflected in outer humility. Healthy dose of self discipline with a sprinkling of flexibility. Outward-focussed and committed to others. Follows through. And meditative. 

I’m very fascinated by the picture I have of the kind of person I want to be. She’s the girl I see from the corner of the room, who I desperately want to be friends with. She’s fun and interesting and different, she has strong personal style and looks fit and strong and confident. She gives to others without being submissive and champions them and their achievements. She is kind, but in the non-submissive way. My goal, in the next 6 months, is to build up the courage to meet her. 

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Birthday…

I have always been a birthday fanatic. I love the presents and the fanfare and the celebration and the singing and getting to eat your favourite cake. 

And joy of joys, my birthday is tomorrow! The celebration of the end of my 27th year on earth and the start of my 28th. Typically this is the night I begin my exceedingly lengthy list of goals set for the upcoming year, spanning all facets of life from personal to financial to career to fitness. 

But this year, I just can’t do it. This upcoming 28th year on earth is stuffed just about full of every conceivably life-fulfilling thing – marriage, physical distance, moving countries, changing careers, buying a home. I can’t possibly mentally squeeze anything else in. In writing this all down, I realise that there is only one goal: calm. 

I have been blessed with practically every wonderful thing in life, but struggle to maintain a sense of balance and perspective. And so, this year, in amongst every fabulous life high and fear-inducing risk that awaits, I commit to holding on to calm. Equanimity. Balance. With a healthy side dose of balloons.