This total gem of a show is best enjoyed with a dash of wine and a healthy serve of eye roll. It involves five farmers and one reality show repeater pretending to grow a pair while learning to say phrases like “journey” and “challenge” and “get me the fuck away from that woman with the crazy eyes”.
The below summary is based entirely off my memory, because I think this will provide some good perspective when the end of the season arrives and I can compare my final impressions with the below first impression. Prediction: it will be exactly the same.
Lachie: also known as Reality Repeater, Lachie survived the humiliating nuclear disaster of being “married” to Claire, the human banshee (okay are banshees only in Harry Potter, or are they like a thing? Whatever) on Married At First Sight, only to turn around and subject himself to further mortifying attempts to find love alongside a weirdly located tractor and in front of two guys who got high too often at film school and are probably high right now to survive filming this utter train wreck of human emotion. Guaranteed to say cute cliches while busting out of that weird black shirt.
Adam: now solely referred to as Adorable Adam. I remember basically nothing about him except for the fact he is so frickin cute.
Lance: Lance is the drunk great uncle we’re all embarrassed to talk about who for some completely perplexing reason is an utter slimeball but still manages to woo the ladies. THESE OLDER WOMEN. They are all GIGGLING. With LANCE. The guy is five seconds away from awkward accusations about why he hangs out in primary school car parks at lunch time.
I forgot the rest. Too vanilla.
Oh! All beard all bald guy: had a cute kid. Forgot to take the fugly earrings out before filming. Walls like he needs to take a massive shit. Super down to earth but communicates like he didn’t progress past the age of 17.
Teeth-man: seriously, get a load of those chompers. He could chew through a piece of concrete. Seems kind and extremely boring.
Jed: I can’t even come up with a funny nickname for this insane piece of human. Jed is a lawyer-cum-oyster farmer who clearly lost his marbles while in the profession (common occurrence) and now spends his days being a massive creep. Less slimeball than Lance. More prone to acting like a fourteen year old.
Now for boring things. Guys read applications sent in by crazy people who watched the video clip of their lives and decided they should be married. Guys pick 8 girls each (niceeee). Girls sit in School Bus of Desperation to meet the farmers they actually applied to meet. Not over this fact. Girls do mortifying things like whoop and cheer for no good reason. The host actually uses the word ‘Farmer Babies’. All the ovaries in that room explode and a few knickers need changing.
Oo they drink champagne! Then go back to being idiots. You can pick Lance’s women out on the basis of being an excellent collection of wrinkly women who think they’re young and don’t realise the impact of being on reality dating shows on your social media life.
I’m now thrilled I didn’t bother learning any of the names of the girls since they’re taking the deliciously vicious approach and ditching half of them after five minute speed dates. I LOVE a cutthroat approach to finding love.
Top moments of the world’s most boring five minute speed dates
1. WTF. The girl with the OTT orange dress and more eyelashes than common sense looks EXACTLY like Claire! Stay strong Lachie!
2. Jed: “So is your family just family?” Response I wish someone had given: I had a relationship with my father, but we were told it is illegal so I applied for this show instead.
3. Lance making all the old ducks feel up his leg. His cowboy is getting more action in this episode than it has in the last 10 years.
4. Teeth man looking like he’s going to eat someone face.
5. Adorable Adam giving the thumbs up. SO CUTE.
Farmers separate the wheat from the chaff
Mini Bachelor Rose ceremonies commence, only its better because they ditch half these crazies and don’t even give the winners a rose and no one can work out how to behave properly. Although the women have totally nailed the desperate choose me eyes. I’m accidentally doing it back to them through the screen and it’s weird.
FARMER DRAMA. One of Jed’s top picks realised after 5 minutes he was insane and did a smooth “it’s not you, it’s me” dodge. Nice work babe. Enjoy being a normal human for the rest of your life. (Okay, I’ll be honest with you guys – the fact that Farmer Drama rhymes is probably my highlight of the year, I hope I have many occasions to reuse it).
And that’s it. I’m exhausted. Next time, each Farmer gets 4 ladies for 10 days in a farm. Predictions: Lots of unnecessary tractors as convenient reminders the guys are farmers (hooray!). One girl leaves because she doesn’t like being dirty. A cow shits on a girl’s head.
See you next time.